Completely Annoyed????… Completely Loved!!!!!!

 If there is anything in this world that can make me fall asleep in minutes, seconds, nanoseconds — my elixir, my tonic, my sweetest magic — it is sleeping on Puttu’s lap.

My hands wrapped around his tiny, delicate body. His little palms softly patting my cheeks again and again, planting sudden kisses now and then. That warm baby scent all around me. And in his most serious little voice he says, “Don’t worry, Amma, I’m here with you. I’ll make you fall asleep, aathaa.”

Within seconds, I begin to drift.

And just when sleep slowly starts covering me, he gently lifts my eyelids and whispers, “Don’t be scared, Amma. Wait, I’ll go get my Gandhiva.” He carefully places my head back on the divan, runs off, returns like a mighty warrior, and repeats his dialogue.

With intense concentration, he uses his Shabdavedhi and defeats the very annoying Brahma rakshasa. After a dramatic silence he announces proudly, “See, Amma! Now the sound has stopped. You can hear no sound. That means my Gandhiva killed the rakshasa. Now you sleep.” And again, pat pat… “I’m here. Fall asleep.”

Just as I begin drifting again… “Wait.”

Off he goes.

This time he brings a soft toy — a sleeping kitty — and places it beside me. “Don’t worry, Amma. Kitty will be here with you, so you won’t feel alone.” Patting continues.

Next minute: “Wait, Amma, I’ll get the hand fan.” He starts fanning me with complete dedication. I silently pray neither his face nor mine gets smacked, but he is fully committed to his duty.

Again, my eyes close.

Again, tiny fingers lift my eyelids. “Wait, Amma. I’ll get some toys as a surprise gift. When you wake up, you’ll feel surprised!” He runs and arranges toys neatly on the divan beside me.

And then, very seriously, he pulls my eyelids up once more. “Wait, Amma. I will keep a tiger right next to you. In case I’m out, the tiger will protect you from any rakshasas.” He places the tiger beside me with such responsibility, as if appointing the kingdom’s chief security officer.

Patting continues.

Again, “Wait.” He checks if I might feel cold and brings another blanket, carefully covering me.

And somewhere between the Gandhiva, the Shabdavedhi, the slain Brahma rakshasa, the sleeping kitty, the brave tiger, the hand fan, the surprise toys, the extra blanket, and the constant eyelid inspections, I realise something very clearly:

I am NOT going to get my good nap!!!!!!

And in that moment, I feel like any other Amma in the world ...... overwhelmed, greatly annoyed… and completely, completely loved......

YES........

I feel loved.
I feel overwhelmed.
I feel my heart so full it almost aches.

I don’t know what this emotion is. It is everything at once.